I find myself at somewhat of a crossroads in that I’ve been filming these videos now. This is my fourth week of filming and recording, and when I first out it was just this fun idea about, Hey, let’s switch the camera on Monday to Friday for the entirety of January and see what happens. And as I’m filming this, it’s the final week of the experiment is the final Monday of my exploration to creating videos, creating work in the moment and initially, when I was sitting down to film this particular video, I started to ponder what topics I might talk about, what I might want to reflect on.

I flipped through a couple of books to see if any creativity would or inspiration would pop out to me, But I think I felt resistant to doing that because there’s a bigger question which is sitting underneath all of it, and that’s with five days, including today left, what’s the plan next? What am I going to do about this?

And I can tell you, I have learned so much from this process, and I’m not going to decide now what happens next. I’m going to let that work itself out. But it’s interesting because I have these kind of two feelings within me, One being I feel like I’ve got so much more that I could talk about that I could say.

But the other being almost, I’ve run out of things to say that maybe I’m going to start repeating myself, seeing and it’s just a really interesting quandary of nearing the end of an initial intention and looking beyond to what might happen.

Because through this process I have had some more ideas come through, some big dreams, arrive with me, some big ideas, land in my head, but it’s in this transition phase that there is a definite uncomfortableness, a definite tinge of anxiety, maybe.

And I think where in the past I have been more likely to try and mind think my way through it, my intention here and the path I’m going to go forward with is not trying to work out intellectually to just really cultivate awareness of my body’s intelligence, like I mentioned, a tinge of anxiety almost noticing that and holding with curiosity and just seeing where it takes me.

But it’s a very interesting place to be. And I wouldn’t say it’s comfortable. And even like as I’m filming this video, I’m like, Becky, what’s your point? What people can take away from this? And really, I guess it’s not up to me to decide for one, you can take whatever you want from it, but I think this feeling of not being all together, not quite knowing what something is and not really being sure what your next step is, is probably one that we experience in all facets of life.

But I really don’t want to overthink here. I really don’t want to try and think my way out of it. And so I think as much as possible, I’m going to be saying it to the side and not worrying about it. And as usual, just follow my curiosity and letting it be what it wants to be. I think this is probably a perfect summary of creativity in itself that often we can feel the compulsion to create, the compulsion to put something out there and yet not quite know how it’s going to materialize or manifest or what it’s going to lead to.

And I suspect that for me, in the past and even right now, as I cast my mind forward, it’s because it is essentially the unknown. I don’t really have, you know, I want to achieve X, Y, and Z with it. I want to withdraw to safety. I want to create some sort of structure. I want to create some sort of purpose or whatever in some sense, so that I can feel relaxed.

I think actually sitting with the uncertainty, sitting with the uncomfortableness is actually part of the process. And if I tried to rush through this bit, I think I would probably miss what the answer that is true for me will be.

So embracing that discomfort, embracing the uncertainty and knowing that you are still able to continue to take steps forwards, even if you’re not quite sure why you’re going to be putting your foot down yet, creating that forward momentum, breathing through it. That feels like the most safe path, safe path forwards or true path forwards. So I’m going to leave you with the the mass of this video, the vagueness, the uncertainty and the knowledge that not only is it okay to feel that way because life works in cycles, creativity works in cycles, projects work in cycles.

So not only is it okay to feel that way, but it’s natural and it’s part of the process in this part of the process that should be given just as much love, patience and reverence as every other single step that you take. Because every single step is needed to take you where you’re going.